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A month ago I was in the hospital. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to write this and the words just haven't come, because it's honestly terrifying. A month ago, I was in the Behavioral Health unit of a hospital near my town and I'd been there six days, I was feeling okay enough to start getting ready to leave but was terrified because the unit was a safe little bubble that existed almost outside the rest of the world. I left the unit two days later.
In one of my previous journal entries I talked about mental health issues, I said they needed to be destigmatized, so that way people could feel comfortable getting the help they needed. In that entry, I talked about the fact that I was cutting and that I kept an unopened bottle of pills on my desk because of the escape that it had represented. I haven't cut myself in over a month and the bottle of pills is now gone. Because on May 7th at 12:20 in the afternoon I took them all. Sixteen hours later I was admitted to the emergency room with crushing chest pain and at roughly 7:30 in the morning on May 8th I was admitted to the Behavioral Health unit and diagnosed with major depression and social anxiety. I met some of the most incredible people I'd ever met in my life, cried more in a week than I had in months, and walked out feeling honestly okay for the first time in years. This journal is the first time that I'm admitting to all of this to someone that isn't a therapist or someone otherwise directly involved. My parents have told some people, but I haven't told anyone the depth of what's happened. I still haven't to be honest, I just don't have the words.
Maybe one day I will, just like maybe one day I'll not only be able to imagine having a future, I'll also be able to picture what it looks like. But for now, baby steps. For now I'm going to work on believing people when they say everything is going to be okay, learning to stop pretending to be fine when I'm not, and recognizing when I need help and asking for it. For now I need to take care of myself before dealing with the rest of the world, honestly it can wait; after all, sometimes I matter too, right?
In one of my previous journal entries I talked about mental health issues, I said they needed to be destigmatized, so that way people could feel comfortable getting the help they needed. In that entry, I talked about the fact that I was cutting and that I kept an unopened bottle of pills on my desk because of the escape that it had represented. I haven't cut myself in over a month and the bottle of pills is now gone. Because on May 7th at 12:20 in the afternoon I took them all. Sixteen hours later I was admitted to the emergency room with crushing chest pain and at roughly 7:30 in the morning on May 8th I was admitted to the Behavioral Health unit and diagnosed with major depression and social anxiety. I met some of the most incredible people I'd ever met in my life, cried more in a week than I had in months, and walked out feeling honestly okay for the first time in years. This journal is the first time that I'm admitting to all of this to someone that isn't a therapist or someone otherwise directly involved. My parents have told some people, but I haven't told anyone the depth of what's happened. I still haven't to be honest, I just don't have the words.
Maybe one day I will, just like maybe one day I'll not only be able to imagine having a future, I'll also be able to picture what it looks like. But for now, baby steps. For now I'm going to work on believing people when they say everything is going to be okay, learning to stop pretending to be fine when I'm not, and recognizing when I need help and asking for it. For now I need to take care of myself before dealing with the rest of the world, honestly it can wait; after all, sometimes I matter too, right?
So Life Happens
It's amazing the difference a year can make. Because a year ago I had just come out of the hospital and I was not in the best place, to put it lightly.
Now I have a new job that I've been working at for almost a month and everyone has been so friendly and helpful, I make plans to actually spend time with other people and look forward to it. Last weekend I spent a day in Boston with my mom and I had fun while I was there, this coming Sunday I'm going to my cousin's baby shower. The anxiety and depression are still there, they might always be, but they're manageable now. I can deal with things that happen instead of just falling apart or stres
Nerd Quiz
taken from ~RobinTheBard (https://www.deviantart.com/robinthebard)
ANIME/MANGA NERD
[X] You watch anime.
[X] You read manga.
[ ] You buy/collect anime DVDs or manga volumes.
[X]You own some other form of anime/manga merchandise.
[X] You have referred to an anime character as 'hot' before.
[ ] You have cosplayed.
[ ] You have done so in public.
[ ] You have been to an anime/manga convention. (I wish)
[ ] You have created/joined a fanclub for an anime/manga character.
[ ] You have created/joined a hateclub for an anime/manga character.
[ ] You have squealed when you found out somebody had the same name as an anime character you knew.
[ ] You enjoy drawing anime. (I ca
Fake Friends
For ~DBZForever (https://www.deviantart.com/dbzforever) who posted this and to prove to him I'm his friend.
Some people who are getting too fake here on DA. They only want posts, comments, or to see how many friends they can get. So let's see who will actually re-post this. This is a test to see who's paying attention. This is a test to see how many people in my friend list actually pay attention. Copy and re-post in your own bulletin Let's see who the true friends are... Re-post this if you are a friend... Don't reply... Just copy and paste this in a new journal as "Fake Friends."
So Guys....
I'm going to be perfectly, painfully honest here; what I'm going to be talking about will make you uncomfortable. It's not an easy topic, it's deeply personal, heavily stigmatized, and may upset you, trigger you, or offend you or your beliefs. If you believe you fall under in any of those groups or cannot hold a mature conversation about the subject I suggest you back out of this journal and find something else to look at, I certainly won't think any less of you.
Still here? Then here we go.
I should probably start by saying that this isnt a plea for help. I've had problems with suicidal ideation for years, I was confronted about it for th
© 2015 - 2024 AndItIsGone
Comments10
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I am extremely happy to hear that you are okay and got the help you needed. it sounds like you're on the right track, its hard but admitting to a problem and seeking help is the first step and you've done that and it's only helped you so i have no doubt you'll continue to grow in the days weeks and months to come again glad to hear you're doing okay now