AndItIsGone's avatar

AndItIsGone

Hey guys!
13 Watchers8 Deviations
7.6K
Pageviews

So Life Happens

2 min read
It's amazing the difference a year can make. Because a year ago I had just come out of the hospital and I was not in the best place, to put it lightly. 

Now I have a new job that I've been working at for almost a month and everyone has been so friendly and helpful, I make plans to actually spend time with other people and look forward to it. Last weekend I spent a day in Boston with my mom and I had fun while I was there, this coming Sunday I'm going to my cousin's baby shower. The anxiety and depression are still there, they might always be, but they're manageable now. I can deal with things that happen instead of just falling apart or stressing out. 

For example; on Monday we had this amazing shrimp and avocado salad for dinner, it was delicious and I was happy because I really like shellfish. I also discovered I'm now allergic to shellfish because I live by Murphy's Law for some reason. It sucked, my brother and I went on an emergency CVS run so I could get some benadryl and then we got ice cream because why not?  

What else? 

I started writing again. It's not much, I have something original that I'm kind of working on that will probably never see the light of day or get finished but I'm writing. And it feels good. It's hard to wrap my head around that sometimes, that I can feel good about something instead of just being empty. 

Still, life marches on. I might not be able to imagine a future yet, I can't picture where I'll be a year from now, but I definitely plan on seeing where this takes me.
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In

Nerd Quiz

5 min read
taken from :iconrobinthebard:

ANIME/MANGA NERD
[X] You watch anime.
[X] You read manga.
[ ] You buy/collect anime DVDs or manga volumes.
[X]You own some other form of anime/manga merchandise.
[X] You have referred to an anime character as 'hot' before.
[ ] You have cosplayed.
[ ] You have done so in public.
[ ] You have been to an anime/manga convention. (I wish)
[ ] You have created/joined a fanclub for an anime/manga character.
[ ] You have created/joined a hateclub for an anime/manga character.
[ ] You have squealed when you found out somebody had the same name as an anime character you knew.
[ ] You enjoy drawing anime. (I can't draw)
[ ] People you know know you as the 'anime' person.
[X] You know that it is pronounced 'mawnguh' and not 'manga' like it is spelled. 

ANIME/MANGA POINTS: 5

ART NERD
[X] You like art.
[ ] You actually consider yourself an artist.
[ ] When using art supplies, the brand of them matters to you.
[ ] You have a favorite brand.
[ ] You have asked for art supplies as a Christmas/birthday gift before.
[ ] You give people your drawings as gifts.
[ ] People actually ask for your drawings.
[ ] You are known as 'the art person' at your school.
[ ] Instead of just 'brown' or "pink', you'd be specific; it's 'sienna brown' or 'blush pink'. Or whatever.
[ ] You have taken an art class outside of school.
[ ] You have considered a career as an artist.
[X] Your school papers are always covered in doodles.
[X] You have a favorite artist. (Several)
[ ] Your drawings have been framed.
[ ] You carry a sketchbook with you everywhere you go.

ART NERD POINTS: 2

MUSICAL NERD
[ ] You play a musical instrument.
[ ] You play more than one instrument.
[ ] You actually really enjoy playing your instrument.
[ ] You've given your instrument a name.
[ ] You've participated in an extracurricular activity for your instrument.
[ ] You are known by what you play.
[X] You listen to classical music.
[ ] You are wondering whether that refers to the classical music genre or the classical music time period.
[ ] You have a favorite composer.
[ ] All of your friends are from your band/orchestra class.
[ ] You write music.
[ ] You've had discussions with your friends about music; your favorite composers/instruments/musical time periods/key/etc...
[ ] You have considered a professional career with your instrument.
[ ] You are never nervous playing for other people.
MUSICAL NERD POINTS: 1

VIDEO GAME NERD
[ ] You play video games.
[ ] You own more than 4 different video game systems.
[ ] You've had debates over which system is the greatest. 
[ ] You play video games every day.
[ ] You have played a video game for over 10 hours.
[X] You have songs from your favorite video games on your MP3 Player.
[X] You love to talk about video games.
[ ] You memorize the dates for when a new game is being released.
[ ] People know you as the 'gamer' person.
[ ] You spend more time on video games than you do hanging out with friends.
[ ] Your gaming system is in your room.
[ ] You have preferences when it comes to what company your game came from.
[ ] You've had debates over which company is the best. 
[ ] You keep playing a game until you beat it.
[ ] It makes you angry when you found out somebody looked up cheat codes on the internet to beat their game.
VIDEO GAME NERD POINTS: 2

COMPUTER NERD:
[X] You use the computer every day.
[X] You have an account/username on some sort of social website.
[ ] You go into random internet chatrooms.
[X] You spend at least 2 hours a day on the computer.
[X] You use computer faces; : D XD XP D: ^_^ >.> and etc.
[X] It is hard to go a day without using the computer.
[ ] You spend time in online forums.
[ ] In the forum/chatroom you use, you are known there by everyone else.
[X] You have friends you have only met online.
[ ] You have/have had a girlfriend/boyfriend you have only met online.
[ ] You have actually met an online friend in person.
[ ] U cn ezly rd 'txttlk.' (I despise text talk or anything that butcher's the English language)
[ ] You have said 'lol' or 'omg' in speech that is not online.
[ ] You can type really, really fast.
COMPUTER NERD POINTS: 6

In conclusion, I am not much of a nerd, but I do have no life and spend all my time on my laptop
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
A month ago I was in the hospital.  I can't tell you how many times I've tried to write this and the words just haven't come, because it's honestly terrifying.  A month ago, I was in the Behavioral Health unit of a hospital near my town and I'd been there six days, I was feeling okay enough to start getting ready to leave but was terrified because the unit was a safe little bubble that existed almost outside the rest of the world. I left the unit two days later.

In one of my previous journal entries I talked about mental health issues, I said they needed to be destigmatized, so that way people could feel comfortable getting the help they needed. In that entry, I talked about the fact that I was cutting and that I kept an unopened bottle of pills on my desk because of the escape that it had represented. I haven't cut myself in over a month and the bottle of pills is now gone. Because on May 7th at 12:20 in the afternoon I took them all. Sixteen hours later I was admitted to the emergency room with crushing chest pain and at roughly 7:30 in the morning on May 8th I was admitted to the Behavioral Health unit and diagnosed with major depression and social anxiety. I met some of the most incredible people I'd ever met in my life, cried more in a week than I had in months, and walked out feeling honestly okay for the first time in years. This journal is the first time that I'm admitting to all of this to someone that isn't a therapist or someone otherwise directly involved. My parents have told some people, but I haven't told anyone the depth of what's happened. I still haven't to be honest, I just don't have the words. 

Maybe one day I will, just like maybe one day I'll not only be able to imagine having a future, I'll also be able to picture what it looks like. But for now, baby steps. For now I'm going to work on believing people when they say everything is going to be okay, learning to stop pretending to be fine when I'm not, and recognizing when I need help and asking for it. For now I need to take care of myself before dealing with the rest of the world, honestly it can wait; after all, sometimes I matter too, right?
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In

Fake Friends

1 min read
For :icondbzforever: who posted this and to prove to him I'm his friend.

Some people who are getting too fake here on DA. They only want posts, comments, or to see how many friends they can get. So let's see who will actually re-post this. This is a test to see who's paying attention. This is a test to see how many people in my friend list actually pay attention. Copy and re-post in your own bulletin Let's see who the true friends are... Re-post this if you are a friend... Don't reply... Just copy and paste this in a new journal as "Fake Friends."
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In

So Guys....

4 min read
I'm going to be perfectly, painfully honest here; what I'm going to be talking about will make you uncomfortable. It's not an easy topic, it's deeply personal, heavily stigmatized,  and may upset you, trigger you, or offend you or your beliefs. If you believe you fall under in any of those groups or cannot hold a mature conversation about the subject I suggest you back out of this journal and find something else to look at, I certainly won't think any less of you.

Still here? Then here we go.

I should probably start by saying that this isnt a plea for help. I've had problems with suicidal ideation for years, I was confronted about it for the first time in seventh grade but I'd been thinking this way for long before that. Why am I bringing this up now? Because it's been getting worse since I started college, and I'm reaching the end of my rope. Honestly, I'm exhausted, pretending to be normal and acting accordingly is exhausting in a way that's hard to describe but is still very real. The idea of being able to just check out and be done with everything is incredibly appealing and I'm too selfish not to consider it.

Before I go further, if I've talked to or interacted with you on a regular basis and you never suspected, good. I didn't want people to know.

So why am I talking about this? Because today I dug out the bottle of ibuprofen I have, it's never been opened simply because I've never had to use it. Right now, it's sitting on my desk next to my printer, still sealed shut. But it's there. Just like the box cutter is sitting in the second drawer.

I should reiterate that I'm not asking for help. My school makes help available to those who want it, I'm far past caring. This journal is partially because I feel the need to ramble and partially because I've noticed an unfortunate pattern.

The stigma attached to mental health prevents people from discussing it openly, and I'm using my personal experience combined with the anonymity of the internet to start a conversation. You see, I've told my parents that I wanted to die before. And then spent the next day alone in the house because both of them work, and while my mom did check up on me, I got radio silence from my dad. And neither of them have revisited the topic despite the fact that it's been over a year.

Neither one of them asked if I still thought or felt that way, neither of them bothered to check if I was acting or planning on going through with it. They didnt see if I was hurting myself or any other high risk behaviors, nothing. Considering how they had to verbally corner me and force me to admit what I was thinking, there was no way I would go to them on my own, I still won't I put a lot into keeping this to myself.

Something else my parents didn't do was ask why I feel this way. It might just be that I'm studying nursing (I'm aware of the irony) but most health care professionals would tell you that when dealing with  someone who has depression or thoughts of suicide, you should ask why, find out the root of the problem and go from there. That means confronting the problem directly, acknowledging its there, and dealing with it head on. Not tiptoeing around the person for fear of upsetting them.

Judging by how hard writing this is, I can only imagine how much worse a conversation like that would be. It needs to be done though, the mental illness stigma has to go so conversations like this can happen without anyone being afraid of the impact of their words.

So it starts here, now. With me being brutally honest. I think about killing myself often and have recently taken that box cutter I mentioned earlier to my skin. This is me choosing not to hide behind a smile and the insistence that I'm fine. Say what you will, change has to start somewhere, and I might as well make my life mean something.
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Featured

So Life Happens by AndItIsGone, journal

Nerd Quiz by AndItIsGone, journal

I have a confession to make by AndItIsGone, journal

Fake Friends by AndItIsGone, journal

So Guys.... by AndItIsGone, journal