Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
About Deviant Artist JuliaFemale/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 2 Years
Needs Core Membership
Statistics 17 Deviations 918 Comments 3,027 Pageviews

Newest Deviations

Favourites

Groups

Activity


A month ago I was in the hospital.  I can't tell you how many times I've tried to write this and the words just haven't come, because it's honestly terrifying.  A month ago, I was in the Behavioral Health unit of a hospital near my town and I'd been there six days, I was feeling okay enough to start getting ready to leave but was terrified because the unit was a safe little bubble that existed almost outside the rest of the world. I left the unit two days later.

In one of my previous journal entries I talked about mental health issues, I said they needed to be destigmatized, so that way people could feel comfortable getting the help they needed. In that entry, I talked about the fact that I was cutting and that I kept an unopened bottle of pills on my desk because of the escape that it had represented. I haven't cut myself in over a month and the bottle of pills is now gone. Because on May 7th at 12:20 in the afternoon I took them all. Sixteen hours later I was admitted to the emergency room with crushing chest pain and at roughly 7:30 in the morning on May 8th I was admitted to the Behavioral Health unit and diagnosed with major depression and social anxiety. I met some of the most incredible people I'd ever met in my life, cried more in a week than I had in months, and walked out feeling honestly okay for the first time in years. This journal is the first time that I'm admitting to all of this to someone that isn't a therapist or someone otherwise directly involved. My parents have told some people, but I haven't told anyone the depth of what's happened. I still haven't to be honest, I just don't have the words. 

Maybe one day I will, just like maybe one day I'll not only be able to imagine having a future, I'll also be able to picture what it looks like. But for now, baby steps. For now I'm going to work on believing people when they say everything is going to be okay, learning to stop pretending to be fine when I'm not, and recognizing when I need help and asking for it. For now I need to take care of myself before dealing with the rest of the world, honestly it can wait; after all, sometimes I matter too, right?
For :icondbzforever: who posted this and to prove to him I'm his friend.

Some people who are getting too fake here on DA. They only want posts, comments, or to see how many friends they can get. So let's see who will actually re-post this. This is a test to see who's paying attention. This is a test to see how many people in my friend list actually pay attention. Copy and re-post in your own bulletin Let's see who the true friends are... Re-post this if you are a friend... Don't reply... Just copy and paste this in a new journal as "Fake Friends."
I'm going to be perfectly, painfully honest here; what I'm going to be talking about will make you uncomfortable. It's not an easy topic, it's deeply personal, heavily stigmatized,  and may upset you, trigger you, or offend you or your beliefs. If you believe you fall under in any of those groups or cannot hold a mature conversation about the subject I suggest you back out of this journal and find something else to look at, I certainly won't think any less of you.

Still here? Then here we go.

I should probably start by saying that this isnt a plea for help. I've had problems with suicidal ideation for years, I was confronted about it for the first time in seventh grade but I'd been thinking this way for long before that. Why am I bringing this up now? Because it's been getting worse since I started college, and I'm reaching the end of my rope. Honestly, I'm exhausted, pretending to be normal and acting accordingly is exhausting in a way that's hard to describe but is still very real. The idea of being able to just check out and be done with everything is incredibly appealing and I'm too selfish not to consider it.

Before I go further, if I've talked to or interacted with you on a regular basis and you never suspected, good. I didn't want people to know.

So why am I talking about this? Because today I dug out the bottle of ibuprofen I have, it's never been opened simply because I've never had to use it. Right now, it's sitting on my desk next to my printer, still sealed shut. But it's there. Just like the box cutter is sitting in the second drawer.

I should reiterate that I'm not asking for help. My school makes help available to those who want it, I'm far past caring. This journal is partially because I feel the need to ramble and partially because I've noticed an unfortunate pattern.

The stigma attached to mental health prevents people from discussing it openly, and I'm using my personal experience combined with the anonymity of the internet to start a conversation. You see, I've told my parents that I wanted to die before. And then spent the next day alone in the house because both of them work, and while my mom did check up on me, I got radio silence from my dad. And neither of them have revisited the topic despite the fact that it's been over a year.

Neither one of them asked if I still thought or felt that way, neither of them bothered to check if I was acting or planning on going through with it. They didnt see if I was hurting myself or any other high risk behaviors, nothing. Considering how they had to verbally corner me and force me to admit what I was thinking, there was no way I would go to them on my own, I still won't I put a lot into keeping this to myself.

Something else my parents didn't do was ask why I feel this way. It might just be that I'm studying nursing (I'm aware of the irony) but most health care professionals would tell you that when dealing with  someone who has depression or thoughts of suicide, you should ask why, find out the root of the problem and go from there. That means confronting the problem directly, acknowledging its there, and dealing with it head on. Not tiptoeing around the person for fear of upsetting them.

Judging by how hard writing this is, I can only imagine how much worse a conversation like that would be. It needs to be done though, the mental illness stigma has to go so conversations like this can happen without anyone being afraid of the impact of their words.

So it starts here, now. With me being brutally honest. I think about killing myself often and have recently taken that box cutter I mentioned earlier to my skin. This is me choosing not to hide behind a smile and the insistence that I'm fine. Say what you will, change has to start somewhere, and I might as well make my life mean something.
A month ago I was in the hospital.  I can't tell you how many times I've tried to write this and the words just haven't come, because it's honestly terrifying.  A month ago, I was in the Behavioral Health unit of a hospital near my town and I'd been there six days, I was feeling okay enough to start getting ready to leave but was terrified because the unit was a safe little bubble that existed almost outside the rest of the world. I left the unit two days later.

In one of my previous journal entries I talked about mental health issues, I said they needed to be destigmatized, so that way people could feel comfortable getting the help they needed. In that entry, I talked about the fact that I was cutting and that I kept an unopened bottle of pills on my desk because of the escape that it had represented. I haven't cut myself in over a month and the bottle of pills is now gone. Because on May 7th at 12:20 in the afternoon I took them all. Sixteen hours later I was admitted to the emergency room with crushing chest pain and at roughly 7:30 in the morning on May 8th I was admitted to the Behavioral Health unit and diagnosed with major depression and social anxiety. I met some of the most incredible people I'd ever met in my life, cried more in a week than I had in months, and walked out feeling honestly okay for the first time in years. This journal is the first time that I'm admitting to all of this to someone that isn't a therapist or someone otherwise directly involved. My parents have told some people, but I haven't told anyone the depth of what's happened. I still haven't to be honest, I just don't have the words. 

Maybe one day I will, just like maybe one day I'll not only be able to imagine having a future, I'll also be able to picture what it looks like. But for now, baby steps. For now I'm going to work on believing people when they say everything is going to be okay, learning to stop pretending to be fine when I'm not, and recognizing when I need help and asking for it. For now I need to take care of myself before dealing with the rest of the world, honestly it can wait; after all, sometimes I matter too, right?

deviantID

AndItIsGone
Julia
Artist
United States
Hey guys how's it going? I don't really have much to say here other than that this is a new account I set up because I'm deactivating my old one. I'm a fantasy writer mostly but some other things might be thrown in there. I'm a really sporadic updater so don't expect regular chapters or anything like that. Anyways that's really all I have to say here. Ciao!
Interests

AdCast - Ads from the Community

Comments


Add a Comment:
 
:iconangie-farewell:
Angie-Farewell Featured By Owner 2 hours ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for the fav (●´∀`●)
Reply
:iconladyjudina:
ladyjudina Featured By Owner 6 days ago
Thank you by funkypunk2 Tropikal forest by ladyjudina

 Have a nice day! 
Reply
:iconanditisgone:
AndItIsGone Featured By Owner 5 days ago
You're very welcome :)
Reply
:iconajkasketch:
AjkaSketch Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you so much for faving !! Tight Hug 
Reply
:iconanditisgone:
AndItIsGone Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2015
You're welcome :)
Reply
:iconsubduedmoon:
SubduedMoon Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you for the fav!  Markiplier, Cat Lick Icon :'3 

I See You Back There, Freddy! by SubduedMoon
Reply
:iconanditisgone:
AndItIsGone Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2015
You're welcome :)
Reply
:iconladymintleaf:
LadyMintLeaf Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2015   General Artist
Thank you so much for the :+fav:!!:D
Reply
:iconanditisgone:
AndItIsGone Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2015
You're welcome :)
Reply
:iconrie--rie:
Rie--Rie Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2015  Student Digital Artist
Thank you kindly for the fave! :icondancingkennyplz:
Reply
Add a Comment: